The Four Letter Word

How many people have you said "I love you" to? I believe I've said it to about four guys and two of those four times I probably confused love with lust. I told my current boyfriend within a matter of weeks that I loved him because he saw a beauty in me that I had never seen in myself. His eyes tore down my shield and detoured through my pain to my heart. I am currently in my most broken stage is my life emotionally and I know it cannot be easy for him with my mood swings and inconsistency, but the way that he looks at me never waivers. His eyes always say that he loves me.

I am the product of three physically and mentally abusive relationships and no matter how much I tried to push those memories to the back of my head they always remained at the forefront. One day I realized that those situations / relationships make me who I am and I have to accept them rather than forget them. I also realized that whatever mate that I would potentially be with would also have to accept them. Most people do not know about my abusive relationships or they only know a little because I've been ashamed to say that I've allowed myself to be pushed against walls, knocked down stairs, and locked in my room. How could an educated and career driven young woman succumb herself to so much damage?

I didn't know what love was, so I allowed people to love me in their own way which often was not love at all. I associated love with tolerance rather than admiration and understanding, so I desired to be tolerated rather than hugged. In 2 of the 3 situations, I was financially at my peak which also severely hindered my decision making. I had to either let go of my relationship and live paycheck to paycheck or just deal with it until I could better prepare myself financially. Financial stability has definitely been a blessing and a curse to me.

I'm not as whole as I once was. I have a couple scrapes and bruises that reveal my pain, but my boyfriend accepts them. He does not ridicule me for them or pour salt on them. He instead acknowledges them and makes every attempt he can to show me what love is.

I know that this is different from my past relationships because the only thing that he has asked of me has been for me to let him love him and y'all I'm trying.